I’ve been out of country for the last week-plus, and it amuses me to no end how a desperate candidate can track me down on another fucking continent to see if I have heard anything regarding a new job. I set away messages on all of my email accounts, changed voicemail greetings, and told pretty much everyone I deal with that I wasn’t doing any business until December 7th. Of course, these aren’t A-level candidates for A-level positions – those guys know to wait and not piss off anyone involved in the process.
I leave my office my prepaid foreign cell number and tell them it was for emergencies only, i.e. my house catching on fire. Of course, we have mouthbreathing junior associates that believe everything anyone tells them, and it turns out that several people REALLY needed to get ahold of me. Like I am their oncologist or legal counsel or something.
guy – “Hey Costello, it’s Eric in Tulsa! I didn’t want to wake you up, can you talk?”
me – “Dude, it’s 9:30 PM here – it would be early in Hawaii. And no, I can’t talk. I’m on vacation.”
guy – “OK man, no big deal. Just wanted to know if you heard anything from Whiskey Tango about that interview I had.”
me – “No. I’ll call you next Monday.”
guy – “No need to be rude about it, Costello. Sheesh.”
me – “Did you not notice you called an international phone number? Maybe I’m busy, you think of that?”
guy – “Uhh, well, I didn’t think you’d mind. And I really want this job. I am so qualified blahblahblah….” (cue Charlie Brown’s mother)
If it would have only happened once, I may have just given the call the weak LOL it deserved and moved forward. Of course, that would be too easy. Two more for your dining and dancing pleasure.
other guy – “Hey Costello, I have an interview with Amalgamated Assplugs tomorrow, and I know that isn’t your client, but can you email me my resume?”
me – “Did you look through your received email for the one I sent previously, before I left?”
other guy – “Yeah, but I can’t find it. Can you send me another copy? My interview is at 2.”
me – “Sorry, I am nowhere near either my laptop or internet access. Keep looking.”
other guy – “Damn it! What’s with the weird phone number your office gave me, anyway? I called your cell and it said you were out of the country.”
me – “I’m on vacation, and this was supposed to be for emergencies only.”
other guy, pissed off – “Of course this is a fucking emergency! I can’t find my resume anywhere and I still have to go to FedEx Office and print copies, and my interview is in less than two hours! I haven’t even gone to the dry cleaners yet! Thanks for the help Costello – I’m not happy with you right now.”
This one was my favorite, by far.
last guy – “Costello, it’s Bobby! I’ve been trying to get ahold of you because I know you said it will take at least a week to get feedback from Vulvamation, but it’s been four days and I never have to wait this long.”
me – “Dude, it’s midnight here. I’ll be back on Monday and I’ll call you.”
last guy – “Man, I thought you were my agent. Don’t you get a percentage of my salary if you get me hired? You should take calls from a stud like me day or night, no matter where you are.”
me – “In acting or sports, the talent that signs the contract pays this agent person you speak of. You aren’t paying me shit – your potential employer is, and that’s only if they hire you. I’m not Bob Sugar, and you haven’t even waited out the length of time I told you to do.”
last guy – “Wow, you’re a prick. Maybe I don’t want you representing me.”
me – “Fine, our marriage is annulled. I gotta run.”
*click*