I have a confession. I’m greedy. Not Gordon Gecko / Wall Street greedy, but enough that if there’s money to be had, I’ll take a cursory look, do a little mental math on if whatever it is worth my time, and make a decision. When someone offers me two grand cash to get them a job, I have to think about it. He doesn’t want to work at Wal-Mart as a greeter, he wants an entry-level job in a specific field – one I specialize in. So he asks some guy who to call, the guy says me, he does a little Google magic, and now a strange proposal.
Now, of course there’s a catch. He has two DWI’s (“but the first one’s almost five years old!”) and no industry experience. And I can say with certainty that he was drinking when he called and the sun was still up.
Of course I have ideas. I have idiot clients that will bite just to be different, and his myspace account shows a nice looking dude in his late 20’s that enjoys bottle service and blondes with that two-tone skunk looking dye job and lip piercings. That’s why I wade in the shallow, yellow tinged side of the pool. Even when you call me drunk at 5:30 PM on a Monday, $2,000 under the table is what it is. So I tell him if he drops his resume off and gives me half as a retainer before I leave at 7, I’ll help him out.
I get this resume and it is every bit the train wreck you’d expect it to be. Not only can he not keep a job, he can’t write and can’t spell either. And he wanted to talk to me all glassy eyed and buzzed, stinking like a wet ashtray. But he brought a thousand bucks with him, and I know someone that may hire him for 30K if he shows up sober on Wednesday and can regurgitate all the bullshit I sent him home to study.
Fast forward to Wednesday morning, 10AM. He shows up on time, relatively sober, and dressed in a suit. My client asks him about his criminal record and he fucking LIES ABOUT SOMETHING I ALREADY DISCLOSED.
“Are you sure you don’t have two DWI’s in the last five years, like Costello told me on Monday?”
Busted. FAIL. So I call him and asked what happened.
“Didn’t I pay you to get me hired? I can say whatever the fuck I want if you’re getting me a job. I paid you for this, remember?”
Hey, fuck you. Come get your money.