There’s a fairly high level position in Ohio that I am trying to fill, and they have an interview day set up for Monday.  Three guys are going to leg wrestle interview all day for this job with various company officials, and the two favorites will meet the president on Tuesday morning.  Sounds good, right?

I get a phone call from a 626 area code this morning and ignore it.  No VM left, but I get that “CALL ME” message instead when people press 6 or 8 or whatever instead of hanging up and sending a fucking text message.  I roll back over and enjoy my sack time until this unknown cock holster decides to keep calling me.

Hey, surprise!  It’s the 8AM candidate for tomorrow!  He ”lost his cellphone on the LA subway” and was calling me on a prepaid to say he needs to reschedule.  First off, I didn’t know LA had a subway system.  Did you?  Hollywood gets a massive FAIL for not bringing that to my attention.  Second, guys that are interviewing for 150K jobs don’t buy prepaid cells – they go find a computer and then go wait for their normal provider to open up for business.

He went to the Rose Bowl and drank the night away after watching the beloved alma mater beat Oregon, and lost his phone “going to an afterparty”.  He woke up “on a couch somewhere”, doesn’t know LA and has no idea where his hotel is, and his flight home is at 10 Pacific.  Would I mind calling his wife and letting her know he was OK?  And can I look up the number for United and call him back?  He needed to “go”.  Sure thing, buddy.  Hope you enjoyed your drunken prostate massage in West Hollywood, and remember to pay Rico a little extra for using his phone.

Next time I hear “Carmen Ohio” I will remember that LA has a subway.

I have a relatively large client that likes doing these crazy job descriptions, with pop culture references and trendy-ass job titles.  Coaches, gurus, rockstars, et cetera.  I don’t really care – I distribute bullshit for a living and can decipher someone elses – but they end each one with the old Mission Impossible tagline of when the job closes and says this opening to send people will self destruct at 5:00 Eastern on whatever day they specify.  Well, one of them was listed at 5 on December 23rd.

Honestly, they are a royal pain in the ass with a ridiculously long process, but I’m on the distribution list and this time of year, I can usually allocate some time toward their reqs.  I happen to have a sales rep (ROCKSTAR CLOSER!!!) that is moving to some backwater town in Oklahoma over that dead week between Christmas and New Years, and he’s both a fit and somewhat interested.  What the hell, right?  It’s 3PM Eastern and it’s still open according to their website.  So I send it over and get the away message I anticipated, and figure I’ll drop it until Monday.

The HR lady then proceeds to send me a four part text message saying that there’s no way they are moving forward with anyone until mid-January, she’s in Connecticut for the holidays, blah blah blah.  I am a little pissed off at this point for whatever reason, so I text her back that since it’s open I expect to get credit and we’ll talk when she gets home, Merry Christmas, blah blah blah.  Then I get this gem: “I am on vacation WITH MY FAMILY.  Stop bugging me!!!”

Uhhh, OK.  I know that when Senior Human Resource Generalists that put their accreditation’s on their business cards start using caps for emphasis that it’s time to leave them alone.  I’m still in the office at 5 EST and sure enough, I get the automated “pass- submitted after deadline” email.  Instead of doing my usual let’s fuck up this woman’s life act, I decide to embrace the holiday spirit and just forward all the correspondence to the sales manager.  After 5 on a holiday weekend, I figure he’s got his troops slugging Irish Car Bombs and putting it on the company Amex.

Wrong.  He’s in the office and furious.  “What the fuck is her problem?  I need home run hitters and I need them yesterday!  I’m calling that fat bitch right now!”  I conveniently forget to tell him what a bad idea that was, wished him and his family a happy holiday, and hung up.

Merry Christmas, readers.  May you place lots of people and fuck over thousands of HR people in the upcoming year.  WIN early, WIN often.

As a third party recruiter, the worst thing that can happen during the holidays is that all your hot requisitions go cold, because Nancy’s at her son’s Christmas pageant (actually hitting the bars early to get laid) or Rick is going to be out of the office the rest of the year so he can see the family in North Dakota (actually going on a Bangkok Sex Tour). I don’t get how corporate recruiters and how the hiring managers basically take December off and don’t get fired. Are you telling me that you can take basically a month’s vacation and still have your shit ready for 2010?

I signed an exclusive, contingency contract the third week of November with BigClient. Now BigClient has a lot of levels of bureaucracy, yes, but they also really want to hire someone. Or, at least in the initial conversations, they REALLY wanted to hire someone.

First week of December: send over 3 top candidates. Wait for response. “So and so isn’t back from Thanksgiving.” “So and so is on our company Christmas retreat.”

Second week of December: “Oh, well, *hehe*, we sort of slow down for the holidays. They’ll get back to you, I promise.” Meanwhile, candidates are antsy. I’m antsy.

Third week of December: (someone put her big girl panties on and decided to be honest) “Yeah, we won’t really be getting back with you until the 4th or 5th of January. All the decisionmakers will be out for the holiday.”

Now I’ve worked Corporate and I’ve worked Agency. I still wonder: how the fuck does any corporation get anything done?  What I love about agency recruiting: being hungry for the cash (and being able to make as much as I want based on how hard I work) and actually dealing with fellow employees who don’t take a month off for Christmas. They are hungry too. They work faster and smarter and better. So BigClient, your internal employees are FAIL. They have no motivation for December and basically treat the month as one big vacation. I, on the other hand, have had several really nice conversations with employees there at BigClient that actually were in the office, at their phones, when I made the call. They’d love to make a move. And if you waste my December on waiting and then DON’T hire one of my three spot-on candidates, trust, you will have some resignation letters and some spaces to fill in your organization come January.

After two phone interviews, four in person interviews in this market, two trips to Los Angeles HQ for panel screening,  one video conference with Tokyo, a lengthy background and credit check, and a hair follicle drug screen, one guy’s interview hinged on meeting the CEO at LAX for “up to ten minutes” before he and his family flew to New Zealand for Christmas week.  I believe this started in September and I have to hand it to this guy, because I would have given up and went to flip burgers by now.

Got a text at 7AM Pacific Saturday.  “did homework.  cold for la, brought starbucks coffee for him and wife, cocoa for the kids, bagels and muffins.  went very well!”

I wish more people thought ahead like this.  I need to start a stupid people tricks class where I teach googling for biographies and how to add personal touches to candidacy.  He starts January 18th, as this titan of industry sent a text to VP/HR with the magic words – ”hire him”.

I have a confession.  I’m greedy.  Not Gordon Gecko / Wall Street greedy, but enough that if there’s money to be had, I’ll take a cursory look, do a little mental math on if whatever it is worth my time, and make a decision.  When someone offers me two grand cash to get them a job, I have to think about it.  He doesn’t want to work at Wal-Mart as a greeter, he wants an entry-level job in a specific field – one I specialize in.  So he asks some guy who to call, the guy says me, he does a little Google magic, and now a strange proposal.

Now, of course there’s a catch.  He has two DWI’s (“but the first one’s almost five years old!”) and no industry experience.  And I can say with certainty that he was drinking when he called and the sun was still up.

Of course I have ideas.  I have idiot clients that will bite just to be different, and his myspace account shows a nice looking dude in his late 20’s that enjoys bottle service and blondes with that two-tone skunk looking dye job and lip piercings.  That’s why I wade in the shallow, yellow tinged side of the pool.  Even when you call me drunk at 5:30 PM on a Monday, $2,000 under the table is what it is. So I tell him if he drops his resume off and gives me half as a retainer before I leave at 7, I’ll help him out.

I get this resume and it is every bit the train wreck you’d expect it to be.  Not only can he not keep a job, he can’t write and can’t spell either.  And he wanted to talk to me all glassy eyed and buzzed, stinking like a wet ashtray.  But he brought a thousand bucks with him, and I know someone that may hire him for 30K if he shows up sober on Wednesday and can regurgitate all the bullshit I sent him home to study.

Fast forward to Wednesday morning, 10AM.  He shows up on time, relatively sober, and dressed in a suit.  My client asks him about his criminal record and he fucking LIES ABOUT SOMETHING I ALREADY DISCLOSED.

“Are you sure you don’t have two DWI’s in the last five years, like Costello told me on Monday?”

Busted.  FAIL.  So I call him and asked what happened.

“Didn’t I pay you to get me hired?  I can say whatever the fuck I want if you’re getting me a job. I paid you for this, remember?”

Hey, fuck you.  Come get your money.

The hardest part about being a recruiter in times like these is how many people you aren’t able to help. Everyone and their dog hears that you are a recruiter and wants to come to you and magically and mysteriously be given a job. With unemployment at over 10%, I wish I had a magic suitcase full of jobs to give to friends and acquaintances and your mom’s friend’s sister-in-law, but I don’t. Even worse are the folks that don’t take my advice. Many times, I have nothing on the horizon for Random Person A or I don’t recruit anywhere near their industry. What I try to do: give them the name of a good recruiter that DOES work in their industry, broker an introduction, and give them job search tips. They usually include special local networking groups, the names of companies that I do know to be hiring, and maybe a resume critique.

What burns my ass is people who either:
a. don’t listen/accept the advice and then complain
b. call me everyday like I’m their Jerry Maguire and I’m going to Show Them the Money
c. email me for advice on minutiae and then call my office if I don’t answer them within an 8 hour work day.

I know the recession sucks. Trust me, I know. But people are getting more aggressive and angrier. Career coaches tell people to follow up with phone calls. Do you know how many phone calls I get a day? Old school job seekers think it’s acceptable to just show up with a resume to “see if you have some time to talk.”

This has been going on since at least July of 2008. I’m tired of it. I want the good old days of super low unemployment. I want to have to track you down. I don’t want you to be stressed. I don’t want you to call me everyday. I want all the good people of the US gainfully employed, buying overpriced trucks, eating at Chili’s, and maxing out credit cards.

Today, we salute you, Mister Senior Programmer lying sack of shit that cost me money.

(it’s JUST a little fib)

Only you would go into an interview not knowing what HTML was.

(I SUCK at acronyms…)

When you talk code, Yoda has you on speed dial.

(It’s JUST a figure of speech)

You wipe your balls on C#.  You develop people like Octomom on a coke bender.

(nothing rhymes with Octomom!!!)

Here’s to you, Mister Senior Programmer lying sack of shit that cost me money.  I may get weeknight drunk on your behalf.

I have a director-level guy that just made it through two rounds of interviews and I am prepping him for a panel screen – basically, a conference room full of people looking not to hire him – and am going through the checklist.

me – “Can you pass a work history background check?”

guy – “Of course.  Do I look like a felon?”

me – “That’s not what I meant.  They are going to pay an verification company$300 to call every former employer’s human resources department and check your dates of employment against what you put on that application they made you fill out.”

guy – “Oh FUCK.  People really do that?”

me – “Yup.  By the way, are you really a Six Sigma Champion Black Belt? You must be the Ryu of credit card processing.”

So he calls me back late this afternoon and says he ”took care of his date problems”.  That sounds like he dismembered a corpse and scattered body parts all over Liberty City, but whatever.  I am a “don’t ask, don’t tell” kind of guy when it comes to creative problem solving such as this, but I could just feel the FAIL coming on this dude.    Basically I tell him that I hope everything works out, and as soon as I had any news, I would call him.  Well, the VP/HR just called me – on my cell, mind you – and asked why this candidate called him and gave him cell phone numbers for all of his references, and said he admired the personal touch.  I feel like I am at the craps table playing for a hard 8, so what the hell, right?

“Well, he REALLY wants this job and is prepared to do whatever it takes to get it.”  Man, I am fucking smooth.  Butter wouldn’t melt in my mouth.  All hail Costello, king of bullshit.

Then the other shoe drops.  “Stupid question – why do all of these cell phones have a NOLA prefix when two employers are based elsewhere and he just so happens to live in Louisiana now?”

DEEE-FENSE  (clap-clap).  “Who changes their cell phone numbers anymore when they move?  Maybe these guys were natives and they all worked together in town once upon a time.  Or they all kept their numbers so their families could call them and not pay long distance.  I don’t know, ask him.”

“OK, now that makes sense.”  No it doesn’t, you human resource professional fuckstick.  It makes no fucking sense at all.  It sounded like a stupid backpedal the instant I said it.

So the Elvii and I live in a major metropolitan market. There’s a lot of diversity in the candidate pool and for the most part, most companies have entered the 21st century and understand that diversity = good and inclusiveness = bad. Have I had clients who made racist remarks based on who they would and wouldn’t hire? Yes. Are they clients anymore? No. Presley, unlike the namesake, is a good ol’ fashioned Heinz 57 mutt who doesn’t believe in eugenics or race purity or any of that mess.

So there’s a local business that has a good ol’ boy as their spokesperson. Not just the spokesperson, he’s the owner. He has a heavy *insert local metropolitan area* accent and he wears a *insert favorite headwear of the metropolitan region.* He’s a bit of a good ol’ boy, but that’s ok, we like our good ol’ boys as long as they can play nice with the rest of us.

So he goes at the end of his commercial: “We don’t say HAPPY HOLIDAYS. We say MERRY CHRISTMAS. Remember: Jesus is the reason for the season!”

Basically: fuck you- Jews, Muslims, Pagans, Hindus, Sikhs, Buddhists, etc. You’re in JEBUSland.

I could go into a whole rant about how according to the Bible, Jesus was likely born in the Spring, not the winter, and early Christians wanted to have a holiday to compete with the pagan Winter Solstice, etc.

But would YOU want to work for this guy? Especially if you aren’t the church going, white bred born again type?

That’s a recruitingFAIL right there. And a diversityFAIL.

I’ve been out of country for the last week-plus, and it amuses me to no end how a desperate candidate can track me down on another fucking  continent to see if I have heard anything regarding a new job.  I set away messages on all of my email accounts, changed voicemail greetings, and told pretty much everyone I deal with that I wasn’t doing any business until December 7th.  Of course, these aren’t A-level candidates for A-level positions – those guys know to wait and not piss off anyone involved in the process.

I leave my office my prepaid foreign cell number and tell them it was for emergencies only, i.e. my house catching on fire.  Of course, we have mouthbreathing junior associates that believe everything anyone tells them, and it turns out that several people REALLY needed to get ahold of me.  Like I am their oncologist or legal counsel or something.

guy – “Hey Costello, it’s Eric in Tulsa!  I didn’t want to wake you up, can you talk?”

me – “Dude, it’s 9:30 PM here – it would be early in Hawaii.  And no, I can’t talk.  I’m on vacation.”

guy – “OK man, no big deal.  Just wanted to know if you heard anything from Whiskey Tango about that interview I had.”

me – “No.  I’ll call you next Monday.”

guy – “No need to be rude about it, Costello.  Sheesh.”

me – “Did you not notice you called an international phone number?  Maybe I’m busy, you think of that?”

guy – “Uhh, well, I didn’t think you’d mind.  And I really want this job.  I am so qualified blahblahblah….” (cue Charlie Brown’s mother)

If it would have only happened once, I may have just given the call the weak LOL it deserved and moved forward.  Of course, that would be too easy.  Two more for your dining and dancing pleasure.

other guy – “Hey Costello, I have an interview with Amalgamated Assplugs tomorrow, and I know that isn’t your client, but can you email me my resume?”

me – “Did you look through your received email for the one I sent previously, before I left?”

other guy – “Yeah, but I can’t find it.  Can you send me another copy?  My interview is at 2.”

me – “Sorry, I am nowhere near either my laptop or internet access.  Keep looking.”

other guy – “Damn it!  What’s with the weird phone number your office gave me, anyway?  I called your cell and it said you were out of the country.”

me – “I’m on vacation, and this was supposed to be for emergencies only.”

other guy, pissed off – “Of course this is a fucking emergency!  I can’t find my resume anywhere and I still have to go to FedEx Office and print copies, and my interview is in less than two hours!  I haven’t even gone to the dry cleaners yet!  Thanks for the help Costello – I’m not happy with you right now.”

This one was my favorite, by far.

last guy – “Costello, it’s Bobby!  I’ve been trying to get ahold of you because I know you said it will take at least a week to get feedback from Vulvamation, but it’s been four days and I never have to wait this long.”

me – “Dude, it’s midnight here.  I’ll be back on Monday and I’ll call you.”

last guy – “Man, I thought you were my agent.  Don’t you get a percentage of my salary if you get me hired?  You should take calls from a stud like me day or night, no matter where you are.”

me – “In acting or sports, the talent that signs the contract pays this agent person you speak of.  You aren’t paying me shit – your potential employer is, and that’s only if they hire you.  I’m not Bob Sugar, and you haven’t even waited out the length of time I told you to do.”

last guy – “Wow, you’re a prick.  Maybe I don’t want you representing me.”

me – “Fine, our marriage is annulled.  I gotta run.”

*click*